On The Cusp of Major Change
On the cusp of major change. This is life at its grandest. Sometimes, this change sits in your body as fear and nervousness. Breathe through these feelings. These times are inevitable, so remind yourself that life is ever changing, ever evolving. Life will come back around to when the cusp of major change sits in your body as bliss and gratitude. Enjoy these times. Soak up these moments of tantalizing love and liberation. Fuel yourself up on these weightless, floating moments.
This year (or rather since November 2021, clearly not yet over) is one for the books. Actually, the year is a whole book on its own. I exited an 8 year relationship as a 35 year old Latin female. I moved back to the states after living in Europe for 5 years, and if that wasn’t enough of a change, I moved back in with my parents for the first time since I was 17 — my parents are incredible and I’m lucky to have a safe space to come home to. I left my “dream” job at a psychedelic organization — of 60+ employees, I was one of three non-white people, though the other two Latin women were what is referred to as “white passing” Latinas. I was, quite literally, the only person of color on the team.
The year was, needless to say, a big ‘ol mood: Mourning of a relationship that I thought would be for the rest of my life, culture shock and lifestyle adjustments when moving back to the states, and no job, which meant no income.
All these changes had me feeling extremely off kilter. The ground underneath me split at a pace I couldn’t keep up with. I decided, or rather, didn’t have the energy for anything other than to find a crevice in the ever moving ground beneath me, curl up and cry. For months, I did exactly that. I also ate a disgusting amount of McDonalds, and loved 95% of it. This was exactly what I needed in order to regain my strength, not the McDonald’s, that was just a guilty pleasure in my depression, rather the time of mourning was what I needed in order to come back home to myself. I love myself and when I trust myself and my decisions, leaving behind other people's thoughts about what my life “should” look like, or people’s thoughts about how life “operates”, I win.
I will continue to take risks, put my dreams and my heart out in a place of vulnerability, and allow myself to continue dreaming a life that most people find “impossible” to create. Dreaming is the only way I know how to succeed in life. It is the way my family has succeeded our entire lives. From my great grandparents, to my grandparents, to my parents, all the way to little ‘ol 1st generation me.
People have verbalized to me so many times in life, “That’s not very realistic,” but what they don’t seem to understand is that realistic is a relative term. For a daughter of immigrants, and a granddaughter of farmers and curanderas, dreaming outside of the box is the only way I know how to flourish.
Dream mija miya. Dream and never stop, for you never know who or what awaits you on the cusp of major change.
-Angela Christina Christy Ruiz
